Vol. 1: I Wanna Get Better

🍐Pairings, Vol. 1

🎶I Wanna Get Better + 📕So Good They Can't Ignore You

My anthem of the new year has been Bleachers’ “I Wanna Get Better,” a poppy, stomp-your-feet kind of singalong that gives off, to me, at least, a Chumbawamba-meets-Eve 6 sort of vibe. I’m embarrassed to admit that when I heard the song for the first time on the radio earlier this month, I was like, “The music isn’t so bad these days! I guess the kids are alright!” Only to discover that the song is from 2014 and written by a dude older than I am. 

The song seems fitting for the new year, as many of us reflect on the ways we want to be better. There are two ways to think about getting better: 1) to improve in some way, as in developing a skill, and 2) to heal from an illness or injury. When I heard the Bleachers song I was focused on leveling up: becoming a better writer and a better photographer. So the chorus “I wanna get better” felt like a hustler’s refrain, a call for striving and making gains. I didn’t even think about the second interpretation until I read some of the comments on a YouTube page for the song. 

Here’s one: “This song made me shower, get dressed, clean my room, and take a long, silent walk through my neighbourhood. Yesterday I didn't even want to move. Bleachers 1 - My Depression 0. Thank you Bleachers for this song. So much.”

In fact, the song’s lyrics seem to indicate a pretty clear narrative of healing over hustling: “I didn’t know I was broken ‘til I wanted to change.” I’m surprised I didn’t pick up on this immediately, as I’m also the sort of person who is prone to spending entire days immobilized by sadness and/or existential dread. But healing, hustling — the two can go hand in hand. This isn’t to say that you can hustle your way out of depression or anxiety. But there’s a reason therapy is called “the work.” It takes at least some effort to get better.

All of this is by way of introducing this newsletter, “Pairings.” In it, I’ll write about things I’ve been thinking about: a pop song and a self-help book, a memoir and a podcast, a novel and a newspaper column, etc.

If you’ve spoken to me in the last few years about writing, I’ve probably mentioned my desire to start a newsletter. (It’s been my New Year's resolution for at least three years.) What I may not have mentioned is the soul-crushing relationship I’ve had with writing over that time. The problem is, writing is in large part thinking. And thinking can be a problem when your thoughts immobilize you with sadness, existential dread, shame, self-hatred, comparison, and other not-so-pleasant things. When thinking is torture, writing can feel like hell. 

But I’ve been making an effort to heal — to repair my broken relationship to writing. And to do that, I have to hustle. Or so I’ve been led to believe by Cal Newport’s book “So Good They Can’t Ignore You,” which I read over the holidays. In my journey toward a healthier and happier writing life (and life life), I’ve read a bunch of self-help books. Self-help books can be dangerous: It’s easy to mistake taking action with reading about taking action. That said, I think repetition and reinforcement can be helpful when you’re trying to make a change. Newport’s book reintroduced me to the concept of “deliberate practice,” and this time, something clicked.

Deliberate practice is practice that stretches you past your current abilities, pushes you beyond your comfort level. It is demanding and difficult. This is how you get better. By making it this far into this essay I’ve flung myself pretty far out of my comfort level. I’m uncomfortable with blogging – I’d much rather be chosen and validated by a gatekeeper. I’m uncomfortable with commitment – I’m not sure if I can keep this up for a full year, as intended. And, TBH, I’m uncomfortable with the entire conceit of this newsletter. Pairings? Like wine and cheese? Is that a dumb idea? I don’t know! Adventure awaits.

So here we are. I hope that this journey proves inspiring, insightful, or at least mildly entertaining to you. I plan to send out a new edition once or twice a month. I wanna get better – and I hope you do too!